Love & Lost

Love lost was never a season for smiles and celebrations. I will never come to the understanding how you make it appear like a normal, everyday event which ends together with sunset. How it seems so easy for you to get over an emotion which is bound to forever for others. How you uninhibitedly walk away and disregard everything like trash. It is indeed a facile victory for you—a victory I cannot view for myself anytime soon.

You opened my mind to the truth that indeed, everything was a big mistake. You & I. I left a great love to venture a new experience with you, trying hard to accept the man you were, the man you are and will become. But as I placed too much effort on this, frustration and despair were the ones that met me in the end. One fact I could never deal with- I could never change what has happened. I tried so hard to create the world I used to live in for the both of us but we were too reluctant to see what it made of me, what it made of us. I compared you numerous times to the past I knew was ideal, but failed to realize that you were nowhere near that vision. Little by little, you showed me your true self but I guess I refused to see it, because I didn’t want it to be that way. I tried to not be myself and be some girl filled with vanity to please you; to be like the girls you are around most of the time. With this came the fall of my character, my self- worth, my confidence I built for so many years, from countless experiences. I do not know but I never got the approval I worked for from you. I always felt there was someone greater, someone you will always wish you had other than me. Maybe it’s just a ghost you say, but then again, maybe not. We feel things from simply seeing them. I appeared to never have contentment with what simple thing we had, I searched for greater things because I know that is where fulfillment lies. But we were clearly on a different course. So then it was easy for you to have left and never look back.

And me? What was left of me? I do not know. I am still searching, I guess. I still have yet to understand why I left a great love for what I thought we could have. I am still in search of gaining back what was lost of me. I still wake up every morning KNOWING that the love we shared has been replaced easily by a new person. You, on the other hand, have nothing to worry about. You appear happy; maybe you truly are, maybe you are not. But you carry yourself well. You have sent a very clear message to me that you are better off without me.

In light of this Holy season, I will never understand how uncomplicated it was for you to let go of the love you said you had for me- the same love the Big Man up there sacrificed His life for.

I made mistakes, you left, I chased you, you never looked back. How would you make me believe it was love you had for me? But then again, with the person you are, you never care about what I believed in. Just like trash, you threw away everything.

And with this, it appears to be a relief for me that despite everything, I still know what true love is. Despite my mistakes, my pains, despite the big hole in my heart. 

Love lost was NEVER love at all,

Kathryn