Do I?

The board exam results of the Physician Licensure Examination held last August 10, 2013 came out yesterday. UST garnered a total of 99.53% passing rate, having 427 (out of 429) new licensed doctors. 

That was my supposed to be batch.

Five years ago, one ordinary afternoon, I stayed for over an hour inside the UST Church praying for guidance to make the right decision about whether to pursue Medicine. During that time, it was more of a battle of happiness and contentment over career. That was how I saw it. I then figured that it would take more than a decade of academic years if I start to enter the course and thought that I may have to sacrifice a lot (and I mean A LOT) to be a full pledged consultant like time, effort, relationships, love....

I then decided to drop the idea of it and pursue continuing education in Nursing instead. I practiced as a staff nurse in two institutions since I graduated college and finished a postgraduate degree in Nursing. I saw to it that I would prioritize relationships, love and family ties over career. I thought hard on whether Med would give me the same kind of happiness and contentment a future family with my future partner could offer. And I thought that it would never be the same. That I would rather spend all my time to my husband and kids when time comes.

Now that I have ventured the path I chose, it seems that a handful is still missing. Honestly, I feel odd when I think that I could've been one of those doctors had I chose to continue Medicine. I cannot find the right word to describe this feeling. Regret, maybe? Or maybe plain nostalgia? I am not so sure. But one thing I know is that I hate this kind of feeling. I did what I thought I wanted. But why does it seem like I never did anything at all? I feel like I've been kicked to the moon and back to day 1, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to feel. 

For now, I will resort to faking a smile, congratulating new pre-residents in respective services until I get over this vague feeling and figure everything out. 

That could've been Me (is the worst feeling of all),

Kate