Better Version

02 June 2014

11:41pm on the freeway 

"Sometimes you've got to let everything go-- purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything, whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self comes out." - Tina Turner

I've finally started living my life for myself after so many months. I've started to give the people who really cares about me peace and the assurance that I will be fine-- that I am now wide awake about everything. Indeed, everything happens in God's perfect time. :) I learned the art of surrendering.. The lesson of letting go. Like what all my friends say, "love yourself first". I used to be a ball of energy and that is what I'm taking back. :) This US vacation is very timely-- a gift I must say. I used to feel alone and left behind because my eyes were shut and used to focus on the wrong point. Now, I realized that I have never been blessed in my years of existence. No shortcuts in this journey-- little by little I will learn to trust to be able to love again. I never knew that this journey would bring forth such great feelings! :) 

I have never felt so free,

Kate :) 

Aimless

"The day I decided to move on" is a statement I often use just for the sake of saying it. Just for the sake of feeling it. Just for the sake of actually starting on it.

It takes a lot of heart on finally deciding to move on. Many habits to break, thoughts to block, memories to throw away, and that ONE person to forget. Since more than 7 months ago, every single day, I battle to gain back what was lost from me not realizing that I am the only one exerting tremendous efforts to fix what was broken. I never gave up despite all my ill thoughts, insecurities and the loss of support from the other end. I wake up everyday not knowing what to do with so much pain in my chest thinking about my failed relationship. For the past months, I coped up with work, the stress of graduate school and even gave all efforts to fix our relationship. But you? You gave up. You quit. Just like a piece of paper, you decided to throw everything away. You told me that you saw it in my eyes how much I longed for another person. But then did you also see the suffering in my eyes time when I lost you? And there you are, freely calling me selfish. 

It's true that a big part of the breakup was indeed my fault- I compared my present to my past and searched for things other than what my present could offer. Was it wrong? To find things that could give me fulfillment? Was it wrong to wish for success? Was it wrong to dream? The least I expected was a little support though maybe I've been rough around the edges as well. But then was it all my fault? Like what you said? I admit to all my mistakes. To not being contented and not moving on quite enough. But what could go wrong when you chose to be with this new person over a person you've spent almost everything with? I was immature to say all the things I said, but does it stop there? Does it mean I didn't do anything right? Does it follow that every wrong is to be blamed on me? Maybe just a moron would answer yes.

You said you accepted me for what I am, for what I was. If that's the case then I guess the word "acceptance" must be taught in a much deeper concept. You never accepted me. With all my weaknesses, the best you could do was LEAVE. I was honest with showing you that I had a hard time to follow you, to accept the person you were, but then I chose to stay and work it out. Something I will not regret when time comes. I could say to myself that I did everything but then again, I could only do too much- the rest was still up to you (to throw away).

Relationships are a two-way street, not a highway in a bike path. If it matters to you then you work on it. If it doesn't then don't. And you clearly made your decision. 

I chased you and you never looked back. You left me, at some point put my hopes up and just threw everything away. I didn't. Sad to say, I made myself look like a total loser. And the worst part? You just let me do it.

And the biggest part of it all? You said you were broken but here you are, kicking it off with another person. Not that there is something wrong. You are single. It just makes me right with everything I thought and you wrong for everything you said. 

So honestly, was it all me? Was it all my fault? Did I really start this? Was I the weak one?

So much realizations,

Kate

Love & Lost

Love lost was never a season for smiles and celebrations. I will never come to the understanding how you make it appear like a normal, everyday event which ends together with sunset. How it seems so easy for you to get over an emotion which is bound to forever for others. How you uninhibitedly walk away and disregard everything like trash. It is indeed a facile victory for you—a victory I cannot view for myself anytime soon.

You opened my mind to the truth that indeed, everything was a big mistake. You & I. I left a great love to venture a new experience with you, trying hard to accept the man you were, the man you are and will become. But as I placed too much effort on this, frustration and despair were the ones that met me in the end. One fact I could never deal with- I could never change what has happened. I tried so hard to create the world I used to live in for the both of us but we were too reluctant to see what it made of me, what it made of us. I compared you numerous times to the past I knew was ideal, but failed to realize that you were nowhere near that vision. Little by little, you showed me your true self but I guess I refused to see it, because I didn’t want it to be that way. I tried to not be myself and be some girl filled with vanity to please you; to be like the girls you are around most of the time. With this came the fall of my character, my self- worth, my confidence I built for so many years, from countless experiences. I do not know but I never got the approval I worked for from you. I always felt there was someone greater, someone you will always wish you had other than me. Maybe it’s just a ghost you say, but then again, maybe not. We feel things from simply seeing them. I appeared to never have contentment with what simple thing we had, I searched for greater things because I know that is where fulfillment lies. But we were clearly on a different course. So then it was easy for you to have left and never look back.

And me? What was left of me? I do not know. I am still searching, I guess. I still have yet to understand why I left a great love for what I thought we could have. I am still in search of gaining back what was lost of me. I still wake up every morning KNOWING that the love we shared has been replaced easily by a new person. You, on the other hand, have nothing to worry about. You appear happy; maybe you truly are, maybe you are not. But you carry yourself well. You have sent a very clear message to me that you are better off without me.

In light of this Holy season, I will never understand how uncomplicated it was for you to let go of the love you said you had for me- the same love the Big Man up there sacrificed His life for.

I made mistakes, you left, I chased you, you never looked back. How would you make me believe it was love you had for me? But then again, with the person you are, you never care about what I believed in. Just like trash, you threw away everything.

And with this, it appears to be a relief for me that despite everything, I still know what true love is. Despite my mistakes, my pains, despite the big hole in my heart. 

Love lost was NEVER love at all,

Kathryn

Do I?

The board exam results of the Physician Licensure Examination held last August 10, 2013 came out yesterday. UST garnered a total of 99.53% passing rate, having 427 (out of 429) new licensed doctors. 

That was my supposed to be batch.

Five years ago, one ordinary afternoon, I stayed for over an hour inside the UST Church praying for guidance to make the right decision about whether to pursue Medicine. During that time, it was more of a battle of happiness and contentment over career. That was how I saw it. I then figured that it would take more than a decade of academic years if I start to enter the course and thought that I may have to sacrifice a lot (and I mean A LOT) to be a full pledged consultant like time, effort, relationships, love....

I then decided to drop the idea of it and pursue continuing education in Nursing instead. I practiced as a staff nurse in two institutions since I graduated college and finished a postgraduate degree in Nursing. I saw to it that I would prioritize relationships, love and family ties over career. I thought hard on whether Med would give me the same kind of happiness and contentment a future family with my future partner could offer. And I thought that it would never be the same. That I would rather spend all my time to my husband and kids when time comes.

Now that I have ventured the path I chose, it seems that a handful is still missing. Honestly, I feel odd when I think that I could've been one of those doctors had I chose to continue Medicine. I cannot find the right word to describe this feeling. Regret, maybe? Or maybe plain nostalgia? I am not so sure. But one thing I know is that I hate this kind of feeling. I did what I thought I wanted. But why does it seem like I never did anything at all? I feel like I've been kicked to the moon and back to day 1, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to feel. 

For now, I will resort to faking a smile, congratulating new pre-residents in respective services until I get over this vague feeling and figure everything out. 

That could've been Me (is the worst feeling of all),

Kate  

 

Moving On, Moving In

Frankly, I do not know what to write or vent out at this hour. My brain cells are at a drain, my body has never been this tired, my mind probably wandering off somewhere. You know the feeling of helplessness, you couldn't point out the wrong and struggle to figure it out when you've got no clue where to start? I am at that ceiling and much worse.

 It's been a tough four months. I don't know why I have to be like this.

I am a total mess. Cutting ties with my family, ignoring my good friends and unconsciously injuring my relationship is not exactly the perfect equation of the kind of life I wanted. I am usually mistaken as a strong person, but people who really know me, who dig deep would realize I am at my lowest, a coward at the least. I never imagined that a broken heart would be the start of all these things-- and I never thought that people actually paid a debt for having one. It's like having a broken heart is a crime and being miserable is the consequence.

I always thought that people who were hurt the most are the strongest. The ones who struggled the most are the toughest and the ones who were once broken would be those who cant be broken again.

I broke my heart once. I don't know if I have recovered, but I know I am trying so hard to regain all the pieces, put it back to where it was, and at least stand again. But the past months has been a real struggle. I am now living with the idea that I have a great man with me who treats me as an equal. The past has been erased, the thought of it at the least, but I cannot explain why at certain times, my mind tends to rewind for no apparent reason.

Maybe this is what they say the "moving on" process is all about-- every person goes through it individually. Nobody can explain nor dictate what it is that happens to another. Maybe, probably, all of this is normal and it doesn't mean that we are still hung up with the past. It's just another form of letting go, definitely of the memory or spare thought.

I think that this moving on or letting go process is acceptable at any circumstance, not unless it starts delving into your persent and taking a major turn. At that point, something is definitely not on track. It could be the manner on how you deal or how you accept it. Either way, there should be a major bump that needs to be made to put everything in place, in their right order.

I have loved and lost, and loved again. I know that despite all my doubts, fears and insecurities, I have given my heart, the wholeness of it and with no exception, all my love to this person I am praying to be with forever. I have, at another chance, gambled something which could be broken-- my heart.

If you found The One, You know there is nothing you could do but to give it all,

Kate