Moving On, Moving In

Frankly, I do not know what to write or vent out at this hour. My brain cells are at a drain, my body has never been this tired, my mind probably wandering off somewhere. You know the feeling of helplessness, you couldn't point out the wrong and struggle to figure it out when you've got no clue where to start? I am at that ceiling and much worse.

 It's been a tough four months. I don't know why I have to be like this.

I am a total mess. Cutting ties with my family, ignoring my good friends and unconsciously injuring my relationship is not exactly the perfect equation of the kind of life I wanted. I am usually mistaken as a strong person, but people who really know me, who dig deep would realize I am at my lowest, a coward at the least. I never imagined that a broken heart would be the start of all these things-- and I never thought that people actually paid a debt for having one. It's like having a broken heart is a crime and being miserable is the consequence.

I always thought that people who were hurt the most are the strongest. The ones who struggled the most are the toughest and the ones who were once broken would be those who cant be broken again.

I broke my heart once. I don't know if I have recovered, but I know I am trying so hard to regain all the pieces, put it back to where it was, and at least stand again. But the past months has been a real struggle. I am now living with the idea that I have a great man with me who treats me as an equal. The past has been erased, the thought of it at the least, but I cannot explain why at certain times, my mind tends to rewind for no apparent reason.

Maybe this is what they say the "moving on" process is all about-- every person goes through it individually. Nobody can explain nor dictate what it is that happens to another. Maybe, probably, all of this is normal and it doesn't mean that we are still hung up with the past. It's just another form of letting go, definitely of the memory or spare thought.

I think that this moving on or letting go process is acceptable at any circumstance, not unless it starts delving into your persent and taking a major turn. At that point, something is definitely not on track. It could be the manner on how you deal or how you accept it. Either way, there should be a major bump that needs to be made to put everything in place, in their right order.

I have loved and lost, and loved again. I know that despite all my doubts, fears and insecurities, I have given my heart, the wholeness of it and with no exception, all my love to this person I am praying to be with forever. I have, at another chance, gambled something which could be broken-- my heart.

If you found The One, You know there is nothing you could do but to give it all,

Kate