Aimless

"The day I decided to move on" is a statement I often use just for the sake of saying it. Just for the sake of feeling it. Just for the sake of actually starting on it.

It takes a lot of heart on finally deciding to move on. Many habits to break, thoughts to block, memories to throw away, and that ONE person to forget. Since more than 7 months ago, every single day, I battle to gain back what was lost from me not realizing that I am the only one exerting tremendous efforts to fix what was broken. I never gave up despite all my ill thoughts, insecurities and the loss of support from the other end. I wake up everyday not knowing what to do with so much pain in my chest thinking about my failed relationship. For the past months, I coped up with work, the stress of graduate school and even gave all efforts to fix our relationship. But you? You gave up. You quit. Just like a piece of paper, you decided to throw everything away. You told me that you saw it in my eyes how much I longed for another person. But then did you also see the suffering in my eyes time when I lost you? And there you are, freely calling me selfish. 

It's true that a big part of the breakup was indeed my fault- I compared my present to my past and searched for things other than what my present could offer. Was it wrong? To find things that could give me fulfillment? Was it wrong to wish for success? Was it wrong to dream? The least I expected was a little support though maybe I've been rough around the edges as well. But then was it all my fault? Like what you said? I admit to all my mistakes. To not being contented and not moving on quite enough. But what could go wrong when you chose to be with this new person over a person you've spent almost everything with? I was immature to say all the things I said, but does it stop there? Does it mean I didn't do anything right? Does it follow that every wrong is to be blamed on me? Maybe just a moron would answer yes.

You said you accepted me for what I am, for what I was. If that's the case then I guess the word "acceptance" must be taught in a much deeper concept. You never accepted me. With all my weaknesses, the best you could do was LEAVE. I was honest with showing you that I had a hard time to follow you, to accept the person you were, but then I chose to stay and work it out. Something I will not regret when time comes. I could say to myself that I did everything but then again, I could only do too much- the rest was still up to you (to throw away).

Relationships are a two-way street, not a highway in a bike path. If it matters to you then you work on it. If it doesn't then don't. And you clearly made your decision. 

I chased you and you never looked back. You left me, at some point put my hopes up and just threw everything away. I didn't. Sad to say, I made myself look like a total loser. And the worst part? You just let me do it.

And the biggest part of it all? You said you were broken but here you are, kicking it off with another person. Not that there is something wrong. You are single. It just makes me right with everything I thought and you wrong for everything you said. 

So honestly, was it all me? Was it all my fault? Did I really start this? Was I the weak one?

So much realizations,

Kate